Body Image or Body Composition
I'm going to get a little personal with myself here for a minute....It's not a subject I like to talk about...I don't like to look at it or admit it, but it's something that has been a huge area, problem, and obsession in my life....so I've been giving it alot of thought as of late and want to get it out of my head so I'm writing it down...

Ever since I can remember weight has been a huge issue in my life...My Father always made a big deal about it, (my step mother was always overweight), my grandmother has always been extremely thin, (doing whatever she had to do to remain that way). My skating coach yelled one to many times, "get your a** off the ice, is it getting to heavy for you to keep up with?" While none of these people ever told me that I was "fat" (Well with the exception of the coach, and those words weren't ever really used,) I felt this imense pressure on me to be the thinnest I could be....Not just thin but REALLY thin! Not the thin that looks good to most people, (I know this now) but the thin that really catches someones eye, like Oh my GOD, she is way to thin....

As a teenager I struggled with alot of different family problems and really felt out of control in my life, so I controlled what I could, and that was what went in my mouth....As I look back on it I was really really sick, and am really surprised that I am still here sometimes. I found a journal that I kept, a food journal, not to long ago. I was literally blown away with some of the entries that I made....On one day I wrote, Wow ate too much today. Got carried away. What had I eaten for the day? Instead of my 1/4 head of lettuce I ate a whole 1/2 a head of lettuce...and finished the day off with a 1/2 of a grapefruit....It makes me sad to think that that was me....There were even entries like...."Feel great today. Ate nothing and drank only water! Yay for me!" That was one of the last entries....Why? Because I got scared....I was taking care of my much younger sisters one day, and in the middle of the day I passed out just fell flat on the floor....I woke up with both my little sisters hitting me and screaming NONONO don't die Please Please! I loved them more than life itself and it really broke my heart that I terrified them....I look at that day as one of the most pivotal moments in my life....I thank every lucky star I have that it happened, and that I had them! It woke me up! I'm not saying that I haven't struggled since then....but I'm so glad that it made me think and gave me something else to consider instead of myself!
There have been many things since then that have kept me in check. My incredible husband, that has taught me that food is not my enemy, but something that I can even enjoy....My children, have also given me a new outlook on life and made me realize that it is so important that I teach them healthy habits....I can't even imagine my daughter growing up with this baggage, and I wish more than anything to give her a healthy strong Mum to look up to....

I have to say though that letting myself get on the scale is a scary thing....( I even had my husband hide it and it worked for a good long time) It is so easy for me to look at a number and think that isn't where I want to be and then I start down a path....A path I don't want to travel again....but my thinking lately hasn't been so much about a number....it's about being a healthy weight that will let my body do what I'm asking it to do....and you know what my body doesn't work without fuel....and that is what is making me more mad than a number I see....So maybe I've found another check for myself....So I am trying to approach weight differently this time....not as a body image but as body composition....I know I need to be careful and have alerted those that are close to me that I'm working on this, and to let me know if I'm heading down that wrong path again....So with much trepidation I'm starting on some body sculpting. So here it goes....LuLu