Sunday, February 28, 2010

Please Quiet the Demons in My Head!

Well here I go mind is running totally amok! I am no longer questioning if I can do any of this period...just should I do this 1/2 marathon that I'm planning on....
To start back at the beginning....
I had originally decided that I wanted to do a Tri...not just any tri but a tri near to my hometown in Maine....For reasons unknown to me my husband DID NOT want me to do this...and made my life quite unpleasant until we made a deal....The deal? I would stay here not do the tri, but a dual, and he would then run a 1/2 marathon with me....The dual was my idea...the 1/2 was his....While I'm sure someday I would have branched out and wanted to do a 1/2 or even a whole Marathon, this idea was not something that I was ready for....but I was excited all the same...I would still get to do my thing...and then have my family doing something with me! Well as time has gone on...I'm still adding my miles on and getting ready...and my dear husband is NOT! So I'm getting a little nervous and start bugging need to run and find out where your which he responds that he won't have any problem and will do just fine...Turns out that this is not the case...he isn't able to just hop out there and run a 1/2 marathon without training...he isn't able to run a 5k without fact he isn't able to run much at all turns out! So here I am with my increasing miles, and no one to run a 1/2 marathon with me that I really had no intention of running to start with....
I've slowly come to terms with the fact that I will be doing this thing on my own...I think I've worked through all that in my head....but now I'm fighting with myself do I have enough time to get Coach says I do if I don't want to compete in it...Which I don't I want to finish it....but she also says that I will really have to pour the miles on to get there....
SO I'm scared....
Will my knees handle the training....?
Will I handle the training....?
Do I want to handle the training...I mean I didn't even want to do this before?
Will I have enough time to get outside....?
Will I be able to not be soooo bored out of my head running a 1/2 marathon by myself!?
Why do I wnat to do this?
Should I go ahead and pay the registration?
UGH!!!! Would somebody jsut tell my head to shut UP!!!!!
I think my main problem is I like being in control! I like knowing what I'm doing....Neither of which I like I've got a good hold on! I mean I've never run that how do I know what it's going to feel like? I've run 7 miles before...adn I can't imagine running another 6 after that! I want to say that I'm strong and I can do it...but I'm having a hard time getting there....
The last week had been a hard week of training...don't really know why....Can't put my finger on it....I jsut felt I was dragging...every run was an effort...every trainer ride took an act of congress to get started...Once I got going it wasn't was getting going....I had all but given up my idea of running this thing...I was going to e-mail my coach and say that's it I'm not doing it...let's concentrate on the 5 k's and the dual! I mean who knows...maybe I'll even do the tri instead, (my swimming is getting better...why not!) Then I begrudgingly started my 4 mile run on Thurs...I felt icky the first 2 miles...and then it happened....I felt like a different woman! A strong woman! A woman that could run steady and strong....! Slow steady and strong! I finished those last two miles with teh feeling like I could go and run another 9 miles! O.K. maybe not quite, but my confidence soared! I could do this, it was in my reach...and if it was who cared about all the other questions...I mean if I could do something why not just do it then!?
Well then Firday happened....I started to feel sick! Not jsut stuffy sick...but deep respiratory Influenza sick....Then it lifted a little....but last night as I was curled up on the couch trying to catch my last glimpses of the olympics I gave into this sickness 100 % I'm SICK! Really sick! I'm bummed....I've been looking forward to my OUTSIDE 5 mile run all week! It was going to be 39 and partly SUNNY....totally unheard of here in Ohio! So here I sit questioning myself again...
Should I do it?
Is it worth it?
No maybe I should jsut scratch it and do the 25k that I keep eying in Sept.
No I think I will do it...I mean if I felt that good just a couple of days ago I can do it right?
But I'm losing valuable training days....
Mile building days.....
When am I going to get better?
How many days am I going to lose?
Seriously my head jsut needs to SHUT UP!!!!!
When I feel better I'm going to make a list...a logical list and go over it with the coach! Until then just quiet PLEASE! LuLu

1 comment:

  1. First, good to get it out! From reading your post, it seems like you know what you want to do, and what's probably best to do. listen to your intuition and gut and go with that. What do YOU think is best and go from there. I have my 2 cents, but really that's all it is, b/c it's your life/family/adventure...and decision. I'm confident you'll make the right one;-)