Tuesday, March 2, 2010

What do I Want From This?

I've been asked to make a list of what I want from this little journey that I'm on....So here it goes...

  • First I want something for me....Then I want something that is going to help me give more back to my family...

  • I want a sense of being something more...

  • I want to feel strong...Powerful even!

  • I want to find out how much I can push myself....

  • I want to have a positive image of myself...not one where I have to or want to be a size zero, but one where I can look at my body and think Damn I look good! A image of myself where I can look at my legs and not think how thin they are but what they can do!

  • I want totally incredible muscles

  • I want to give my children a Mum that they can be proud of and that they can look at and say "That's my Mum over there"

  • I want to have my children exposed to a life of activity, of reaching to be more, of athleticism, I want them to know that they can be anything that they want to be, not because I lamely tell them that, but because they see me living it!

  • I want to have that rush of doing something that is different...out of my element...

  • I want this to become my element!

  • I want to be conquer fears of not being good enough....

  • I want to conquer old fears....not just conquer, but blow them out of the water!

  • I want to be challenged...

  • I want to have the feeling of working hard and accomplishing it!

  • I want to run a awesome 5k time....of 27:00 min....right now....

  • I want to be happy with my 5k time...and not compare myself to someone else....

  • I want to Finnish in the top 5 of my age group in the dual....

  • I want to quit beating myself up about things....

  • I want to be happy and proud with myself....and teach my children to do the same!

  • I want to do this to find greater sense of who I am and what I want to do....

Now I need to find out the things that are keeping me from accomplishing these and fix them!

  • First it's ok for me to have something for me...I don't work anymore, I don't do hardly any of the things that I thought made me "me". It is important for me to find the time and energy to give to me! And I will!

  • I think that even though some days I don't feel like it does that this allows me to give back to my family in more ways than I know... Good stress reliever, good time to think, good time even not to think! I just need to remember that I'm worth it and they are worth taking the time to recharge for a better me!

  • I've always reached for the sense of being something more....and I don't even think that it's being something more as much as doing something more....and realizing that I am more than I think sometimes...

  • I'm feeling strong and powerful...compared to what I used to feel and now I just want to push those boundaries even more!

  • I can push myself till I can't push any more...till I puke...and it's ok....it's a process of learning where the right amount of push is....

  • I'm working on the positive image thing....That's going to be one of my biggest demons though....I've spent so long putting myself down...comparing myself to something unattainable....I am no longer allowing myself to see those images...instead I am surrounding myself with images of strong women...but most important I need to look at my own image and like what I see....I want to see what this body is capable of doing...not how skinny it can get!

  • I want my children to see all these things...and to be all these things....and yet sometimes it is the little things with them that wear me out...and I could so easily say ugh...not today I'm too tired...it was too much today, it was too stressful....I'll do it tomorrow... but I will not use the little things, or stresses that I face in life a Mum to allow me to put off the bigger picture of making these little people into better people that can offer themselves to the world as whole strong people!

  • The fears of not being good enough come in all shapes and sizes....It's a process...one that I can't even describe....but I'm looking forward to a new way of thinking....

  • Old fears: heights, speed, water, not succeeding, giving up, Confronting is something that I've never tried...I've tried dabbling in the water....I've tried looking at things....but I've never tried just putting myself in it....not giving myself the option of backing out! One of the things that I've found helps so much so far is to quit thinking about it and just do it! Relax it's not going to eat me!

  • While I want to feel challenged, I need to remember where I am and my challenge may not be someone else's challenge....I want to learn to be happy with my own challenge....not just happy but proud of my own challenges. I also need to learn to embrace the pain that comes with it....it's not always going to be easy!

  • I excel with challenges of becoming better in my head and I just need to learn to set realistic goals of getting better....one step at a time....right now I want 27:00 minutes...next year who knows? But that is next year... not now....so leave it till then to worry about!

  • Being proud of myself comes hard....I tend to say whoohooo I did it.... and then quickly say but it's no big deal, I mean that's not great....But it is....I need to believe in myself and appreciate that while some of my past choices weren't great that choice to do something now is great! I need to learn to enjoy the journey and not be in the biggest of hurries to get there! That's why it's called a journey! I may not have always been an athlete...but I'm becoming one! That's the important part!

  • I'm scared to say that I want to finish top 5 because I'm afraid that I will fail.....Once again self defeat! I think I'm seeing a pattern here....my biggest obstacle is myself....The biggest thing about saying this as a goal for me is that it could happen....and to make it happen it would be wonderful, but it's not the end all! It's just a goal...and if I don't do it this year there's always next year!

  • Beating myself up.....I don't really know what is standing in my way to not doing this....realizing that I am more, that I am worth it, that I do have talent, that I do have the guts to do it...I don't know...but I'm going to find it and I'm going to bite my tongue till it bleeds the next time that I catch myself saying something else that puts myself down!

  • Happy and Proud of myself! High and lofty goals right! I need to look at myself differently...it's going to take some time....but I better hurry because I've got 2 little ones watching ever so closely!

  • I have found myself embracing new things...exploring new things....and not being as fearful....I need to continue to work on this....but I'm looking forward to finding out more!

Wow was that a lot of stuff or what!? I hope most of you stopped reading long ago....but it's good to get it all out there! This list really morphed into way more than what I was asked for...but that's part of my journey I guess...LuLu

2 comments:

  1. oh no I didn't stop reading. Fantastic list Laura. Perfect. Beautiful.
    Great job.
    we'll talk soon...

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  2. thanks for sharing, and yeah, don't we all beat our selves up? I try and tell myself 'don't beat yourself up for beating yourself up'. ;-)
    and you WILL be top 5 in your age group!

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