Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Am I Strong?????
I've been struggling and didn't even know it! I have had some trouble of late feeling like I nailed my workouts even when I cam pretty close to nailing them! I don't know what brought this on, but I'm sure ready for it to make it's exit from my right now! I seriously don't have time for this right now!
I think it really started when I had the bike ride from hell outside....see I live here in NW Ohio....and while yes the wind does blow other places that I've's nothing like this, (well except maybe the coast of Maine...on a windy day)! When the wind blows in most places there is a little break when it hits a hill....or a tree....Well here there is nothing for it to hit....the county roads are ruthless! I went out on this fateful bike ride with high was going to be a good ride...and it was until I turned around...then I swear that damn wind was blowing in two directions! I felt like I was in a little cyclone with no where to hide! And the best part? There was absolutely no way to get home without sucking it up and heading straight into it! I tried to remember my coaches advice of just put your head down and don't fight it! Well if I don't fight it then I will sit still! It was a long long ride home! Each inch was a hard fought battle! And each inch home I had one negative thought after another attacking me! I didn't even try to fight those thoughts after a few inches! And that made the ride even longer....
Well I thought that I chalked it up to the wind and that it was just one bad ride....but I think that I gave those negative thoughts freedom to seep into all my workouts....even my last race which while I did wasn't what I wanted....
In my head it goes something like this.....You can do it....No you can't.....It hurts.....This sucks.....You can do this!.....Ugh I don't want to.....You have been doing good.....It's ok.....You can slow down......No you can't.....If you do then you won't get what you want.....Suck it up......Ugh.....Oh well there it goes......I'm starting to feel like a Schizo is living in my head!! While some of the talk going on in there is positive...I want to know why that positive talk is not winning!
So I tried examining what is going on with the help of my coach....and I think that it is a combo of things. I think that I'm afraid that I'm going to get hurt....It's happened in the past. I pushed when I thought that I could and I injured and sidelined myself. I hate being sidelined! HATE IT! So now I feel every little twinge and ache and pain. And then I over analyze it....and then I decide that I'm going to fall apart! So I stop. Another reason....Maybe I'm just not that confident in myself and what my body can do! Which is so freakin stupid. I mean look at what I've done in the last year. I went from nothing to one pretty fit woman! So why would I think that I can't do it!? So I don't know exactly what the answer is except for to continue with the positive chatter in my head and try to scream that over the top of the other crap! I'm going to keep telling myself this over and over "Don’t ask to be believed in. No one can believe in something that is hollow and has nothing to stand on. Believe in something solid and you will in fact learn to fly." I need to believe and find what is inside me....not just for this race but for everything!
My coach also brought up the fact that I need to let go of any time restraints that I'm setting up for myself. This is my first Triathlon and I need to treat it like that instead of thinking that I can go out there and place in this thing! I need to find the joy in it and embrace and soak that feeling into every part of my body! As she pointed out this race does not define you. I think that I've put so much into this race and that I've found so much of myself through this process that I have started to let this race define me. This race is not me...It will not prove that I'm strong! It will just be one of the many little things in my life that makes up part of me and is maybe an outward showing that I'm strong....but it won't prove that....Because I already know that I'm strong....I always have been....and I will still be regardless of the outcome of this race! So a big thank-you goes out to Ange for making me think once again! Oh and the answer to that question? YES I AM STRONG! Lulu

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